if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
