he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
