last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
