I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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