Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
