My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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