You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
