What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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