im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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