Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Randomize
