Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
