Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
