I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
