so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize