God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Holy shit dude........stairs
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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