WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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