I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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