yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
