Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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