I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize