It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
