I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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