Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
