and she was petting her beer can
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
