At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
