Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
