Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
