Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
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