so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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