im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
