theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
