Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
