I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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