I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
