There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
