Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my phone needs a breathalizer
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
