Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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