You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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