whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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