ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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