I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
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Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
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You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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