Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
