3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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