I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
