Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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