Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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