I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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