Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
