I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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