the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
