The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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