She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
