I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
