Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
