Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
