that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
where are my eyebrows?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
