Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
All the doctor said was why
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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