grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
