I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
