Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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