The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He shit in the fireplace
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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